After being in medical school for 2 months, I still don’t really feel anywhere close to being a doctor. That’s probably expected though. I mean, all we’ve been doing is study our asses off for exams. We did have some clinical-themed workshops (like the ultrasound session) and practices with SPs, but when I do that stuff, I feel like a kid playing the part.
In my classmates, some of them, I can see who they will be in ten years. Their confidence and professionalism is just already there. Whereas for me, I don’t know exactly how I come off, but I definitely do not have the same “assuredness” in my mannerisms and speech. I took a gap year where I worked hoping to improve on this— but honestly, I don’t think much changed…
I guess I have to accept that growing up and maturing really varies for person to person. Some people get it, and they’re just independent and sure of themselves at 15, or 18, or whatever. Some people like me, might really be a lifelong process.
Several friends who are not in med school have asked me what med school is like. And I usually answer more or less, “a lot of studying, but it’s interesting.”
Well yeah, that’s pretty much it, but I suppose I can dig deeper.
Med school is, for sure, draining. I kind of knew that coming in — the analogy of “drinking from a fire hose” used to scare me — but it’s not unmanageable. A person can grow used to anything. So yeah, it is a long stamina race, because you’re going to be studying every single day (with maybe exception of Friday and Saturday) as much as you did in undergrad for finals. And it’s not because the teachers are mean, and not because they have pop quizzes every day that if you get less than 100% you will be forced to drop out of med school. No, nothing like that. It’s just simply because there’s an immense volume of information, the pace is super fast, and the teachers aren’t going to be doing that much of the teaching. You have to be your own teacher.
Maybe this varies depending on the school, but here we start with Anatomy. Something that you could teach in a year-long class is compressed into 7 weeks. Yup, 7 weeks! We start the unit off with dissection, but we switch between two dissection teams, so you will only dissect every other day. On your day “off” you self-study or prepare the non-dissection material, like clinically relevant questions and so-on, that you’re supposed to then teach to the other group and they teach you what they dissected. There’s no lecture beforehand on what the material is. Afterwards, there’s something called a conference, which is helpful but the teacher is quizzing you things they expect you to already have learned. It’s more structured like a review than a lecture.
We do have real lectures several times a week. But of course, like in undergrad, in a huge auditorium with 200 students and one teacher with a Powerpoint, it’s not super effective. I go to lecture but I still have to learn much of it on my own later. Plus, even if the lecturer is clear and organized, these lectures are only meant to supplement our main material.
People have talked about studying styles changing. Yes, it’s going to change. You can’t read the notes/textbook straight because the notes are massive and dense, and there’s a lot of info in there that we won’t “have to know” (it’s just not that important so they don’t test us). It’s all about being able to pick out what’s important and making the connections.
The good thing is I like anatomy and how visual and practical it is, and I like this kind of learning — really forces you to be active. So even though yeah there are moments when I’m super sick of studying and I’m sometimes so wistful of all the free time I had before… once I get really into it time just flows. (Like, wow there goes 4 hours in lab!!)
I still do take my breaks (like play guitar for a bit, cook, go for a run sometimes or a swim), and don’t worry, I still make sure I get my human interaction… Actually, most of the time I stay on campus till 5 or 6 studying with my classmates. And lunch hour is always a part of the daily routine where we eat and chat.
So. The people in med school… hahaha.
Everyone’s really smart, that’s the first impression you get. Well obviously that makes sense. But it’s not like I was ever the smartest kid in my class and I definitely don’t like to be. I enjoy this atmosphere actually — everyone’s hard-working, everyone’s motivated to learn, makes you focus too. Still… there are a few people that are kind of annoying (loll) no offense. You’ll still have those competitive people, those who come off a bit arrogant (cough - “guys who want to be orthopedic surgeons”), those who want to go over every freaking question on the exam we took 5 minutes ago…
But on the other end of the spectrum you also have people who you get the sense are struggling. And even though our class average on the past 2 exams were in the high 80’s, there are people who have failed and get remedial review sessions from the teachers. So, whoever out there thinks you aren’t smart enough for med school, puh-lease. You will be fine. Everyone learns at their own pace and everyone’s got their strengths and weaknesses. I truly believe ANYONE can be a doctor, it’s just because of limited spots that they make the application process so awful. Obviously, some people will take less work, some people will need more work, which is why if you wanna be a doctor, you better be sure.
Also, I DID find a circle of friends. See, and I was so worried I was going to hate everyone in med school. What do you know, there are people like me and there are people I find really interesting and best of all there’s a ping pong table in our lounge, and it’s like undergrad all over again… hahaha. Ping pong brings people together. My life motto.
Am I happy? I think so, for the most part, I am enjoying med school. Sure I miss a lot of things: I miss those lazy days when I could go to the library, check out manga, and sit outside and just read for a few hours. I miss drawing and sketching (I just got a membership pass to the museums though so I’m definitely going back there, maybe this weekend, just to draw). I miss my friends in Pittsburgh. I haven’t talked to some people in a while, not seriously talk anyway. I’ve become friends with some of my classmates but it’s not the same. There’s something about hanging out with people in your profession ALL the time… Sometimes I need to get away from that, haha.
Then there’s always the good stuff right? It’s always a mix. I’m glad to be mentally stimulated again. Sometimes, not gonna lie, I’m impressed with myself on how I can crush so much info into my brain… Also, the teachers are funny and cute and sweet, the material (like I said) is RELEVANT to exactly what you will eventually do - and yes, exactly, medical school is professional school. You are trained to be a doctor, trained for a career. At the white coat ceremony I got that feel for the first time. Sure, I don’t even know what kind of doctor I will be… nor can I picture myself doing the role as naturally as some of my peers seem to… But I’m a part of the whole deal now. I’m not just lost in a haze and figuring out what to do with my life, you know? At this point, the end of the tunnel is THERE, you just gotta keep moving.
Something else to remark at the end here- the cadavers in anatomy lab. Before starting school l’ve been to cadaver labs before just to view, not to dissect. I remember feeling so squeamish and uncomfortable in there, even though I never fainted or vomited or anything. But now? You know how I mentioned I can stay in lab for 4 hours without realizing? It’s just second nature now to be near one, to look at one, to dig your hand in one. (It does help that our school have a nice ventilation system and windows in the lab). I’ve read a book by a doctor who talked about the emotional weight of her first cadaver session. Well… for me, I don’t think I reacted emotionally at all. I don’t think many people did, or no one’s mentioned it. I wonder if we repress this or is it just that having a task in hand pushes everything else out of our head. Like, several times I’ve seen my labmates rest their hands on the face of our cadaver, and once I even caught myself doing it before quickly removing my hand. Oops, this cadaver used to be a real human. You really forget that.
If the cadavers have taught me something about mortality, it’s just the stark truth: when you die, your soul leaves, and your corpse is just flesh, bones, muscle and fat. (There was a quote or something like that in Jiraishin Diablo, this manga I read). You’re an object, and there’s no point being sentimental or weird about it, I guess.
Still, there’s a reason the cadaver’s face is still covered while we dissect his trunk and extremities.
Also, there are moments when I get sad, just picturing the kind of life this man had. He’s got CHF, he’s got renal failure, and had this disgustingly huge cyst in the right side of his abdomen for who knows how many years. How long did he suffer with all these issues? Why didn’t the doctors do something about the cyst?? (He had a kidney transplant, so I assume he’s got insurance?? Or is he just one of the really lucky uninsured who got a transplant…)
Anyway, that’s it for reflection now. Cheers to 2 months down, uh… let’s not count how many months to go. 😄
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