2 months mark!

After being in medical school for 2 months, I still don’t really feel anywhere close to being a doctor. That’s probably expected though. I mean, all we’ve been doing is study our asses off for exams. We did have some clinical-themed workshops (like the ultrasound session) and practices with SPs, but when I do that stuff, I feel like a kid playing the part. 

In my classmates, some of them, I can see who they will be in ten years. Their confidence and professionalism is just already there. Whereas for me, I don’t know exactly how I come off, but I definitely do not have the same “assuredness” in my mannerisms and speech. I took a gap year where I worked hoping to improve on this— but honestly, I don’t think much changed…

I guess I have to accept that growing up and maturing really varies for person to person. Some people get it, and they’re just independent and sure of themselves at 15, or 18, or whatever. Some people like me, might really be a lifelong process.

Several friends who are not in med school have asked me what med school is like. And I usually answer more or less, “a lot of studying, but it’s interesting.”

Well yeah, that’s pretty much it, but I suppose I can dig deeper.

Med school is, for sure, draining. I kind of knew that coming in — the analogy of “drinking from a fire hose” used to scare me — but it’s not unmanageable. A person can grow used to anything. So yeah, it is a long stamina race, because you’re going to be studying every single day (with maybe exception of Friday and Saturday) as much as you did in undergrad for finals. And it’s not because the teachers are mean, and not because they have pop quizzes every day that if you get less than 100% you will be forced to drop out of med school. No, nothing like that. It’s just simply because there’s an immense volume of information, the pace is super fast, and the teachers aren’t going to be doing that much of the teaching. You have to be your own teacher.

Maybe this varies depending on the school, but here we start with Anatomy. Something that you could teach in a year-long class is compressed into 7 weeks. Yup, 7 weeks! We start the unit off with dissection, but we switch between two dissection teams, so you will only dissect every other day. On your day “off” you self-study or prepare the non-dissection material, like clinically relevant questions and so-on, that you’re supposed to then teach to the other group and they teach you what they dissected. There’s no lecture beforehand on what the material is. Afterwards, there’s something called a conference, which is helpful but the teacher is quizzing you things they expect you to already have learned. It’s more structured like a review than a lecture.

We do have real lectures several times a week. But of course, like in undergrad, in a huge auditorium with 200 students and one teacher with a Powerpoint, it’s not super effective. I go to lecture but I still have to learn much of it on my own later. Plus, even if the lecturer is clear and organized, these lectures are only meant to supplement our main material.

People have talked about studying styles changing. Yes, it’s going to change. You can’t read the notes/textbook straight because the notes are massive and dense, and there’s a lot of info in there that we won’t “have to know” (it’s just not that important so they don’t test us). It’s all about being able to pick out what’s important and making the connections.

The good thing is I like anatomy and how visual and practical it is, and I like this kind of learning — really forces you to be active. So even though yeah there are moments when I’m super sick of studying and I’m sometimes so wistful of all the free time I had before… once I get really into it time just flows. (Like, wow there goes 4 hours in lab!!)

I still do take my breaks (like play guitar for a bit, cook, go for a run sometimes or a swim), and don’t worry, I still make sure I get my human interaction… Actually, most of the time I stay on campus till 5 or 6 studying with my classmates. And lunch hour is always a part of the daily routine where we eat and chat.

So. The people in med school… hahaha.

Everyone’s really smart, that’s the first impression you get. Well obviously that makes sense. But it’s not like I was ever the smartest kid in my class and I definitely don’t like to be. I enjoy this atmosphere actually — everyone’s hard-working, everyone’s motivated to learn, makes you focus too. Still… there are a few people that are kind of annoying (loll) no offense. You’ll still have those competitive people, those who come off a bit arrogant (cough - “guys who want to be orthopedic surgeons”), those who want to go over every freaking question on the exam we took 5 minutes ago…

But on the other end of the spectrum you also have people who you get the sense are struggling. And even though our class average on the past 2 exams were in the high 80’s, there are people who have failed and get remedial review sessions from the teachers. So, whoever out there thinks you aren’t smart enough for med school, puh-lease. You will be fine. Everyone learns at their own pace and everyone’s got their strengths and weaknesses. I truly believe ANYONE can be a doctor, it’s just because of limited spots that they make the application process so awful. Obviously, some people will take less work, some people will need more work, which is why if you wanna be a doctor, you better be sure.

Also, I DID find a circle of friends. See, and I was so worried I was going to hate everyone in med school. What do you know, there are people like me and there are people I find really interesting and best of all there’s a ping pong table in our lounge, and it’s like undergrad all over again… hahaha. Ping pong brings people together. My life motto.

Am I happy? I think so, for the most part, I am enjoying med school. Sure I miss a lot of things: I miss those lazy days when I could go to the library, check out manga, and sit outside and just read for a few hours. I miss drawing and sketching (I just got a membership pass to the museums though so I’m definitely going back there, maybe this weekend, just to draw). I miss my friends in Pittsburgh. I haven’t talked to some people in a while, not seriously talk anyway. I’ve become friends with some of my classmates but it’s not the same. There’s something about hanging out with people in your profession ALL the time… Sometimes I need to get away from that, haha. 

Then there’s always the good stuff right? It’s always a mix. I’m glad to be mentally stimulated again. Sometimes, not gonna lie, I’m impressed with myself on how I can crush so much info into my brain… Also, the teachers are funny and cute and sweet, the material (like I said) is RELEVANT to exactly what you will eventually do - and yes, exactly, medical school is professional school. You are trained to be a doctor, trained for a career. At the white coat ceremony I got that feel for the first time. Sure, I don’t even know what kind of doctor I will be… nor can I picture myself doing the role as naturally as some of my peers seem to… But I’m a part of the whole deal now. I’m not just lost in a haze and figuring out what to do with my life, you know? At this point, the end of the tunnel is THERE, you just gotta keep moving.

Something else to remark at the end here- the cadavers in anatomy lab. Before starting school l’ve been to cadaver labs before just to view, not to dissect. I remember feeling so squeamish and uncomfortable in there, even though I never fainted or vomited or anything. But now? You know how I mentioned I can stay in lab for 4 hours without realizing? It’s just second nature now to be near one, to look at one, to dig your hand in one. (It does help that our school have a nice ventilation system and windows in the lab). I’ve read a book by a doctor who talked about the emotional weight of her first cadaver session. Well… for me, I don’t think I reacted emotionally at all. I don’t think many people did, or no one’s mentioned it. I wonder if we repress this or is it just that having a task in hand pushes everything else out of our head. Like, several times I’ve seen my labmates rest their hands on the face of our cadaver, and once I even caught myself doing it before quickly removing my hand. Oops, this cadaver used to be a real human. You really forget that.

If the cadavers have taught me something about mortality, it’s just the stark truth: when you die, your soul leaves, and your corpse is just flesh, bones, muscle and fat. (There was a quote or something like that in Jiraishin Diablo, this manga I read). You’re an object, and there’s no point being sentimental or weird about it, I guess.

Still, there’s a reason the cadaver’s face is still covered while we dissect his trunk and extremities. 

Also, there are moments when I get sad, just picturing the kind of life this man had. He’s got CHF, he’s got renal failure, and had this disgustingly huge cyst in the right side of his abdomen for who knows how many years. How long did he suffer with all these issues? Why didn’t the doctors do something about the cyst?? (He had a kidney transplant, so I assume he’s got insurance?? Or is he just one of the really lucky uninsured who got a transplant…)

Anyway, that’s it for reflection now. Cheers to 2 months down, uh… let’s not count how many months to go. 😄

"Always."

I know this is super random but never a wrong time for discussion about a fictional character, right?

(This is because I've been trying to write a fanfic on Snape but fell into a bout of verbal constipation)

Sort of a meta (except I'm too lazy to look up exact quotes) on a character with my birthday... hereby commence!

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝我是一个机智的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

I think the main issue with Snape, whom I can’t help empathizing with and feeling sorry for---to the extent that I sometimes forget all his bad stuff!---anyway, the issue with him and Lily is that his feelings for her are not actually healthy.

Even if the Worst Memory Scene never took place, even if he wasn’t a Muggle-hater or whatever, even if James Potter didn’t exist… I still don’t think Snape and Lily could have gotten together.

I forget which manga or which book or whatever it was, but there was a character (male) madly in love with a character (female). Everything was from the male character’s POV. And I remember it was SO frustrating and annoying, because this guy, the whole time, kept thinking of the girl he loved as a “perfect angel”... meaning, he expected her to be young and beautiful and pure FOREVER. In reality, the girl marries and has children, but he is still in denial of all that. It’s like he doesn’t expect this girl to ever take a shit or fart or get fat or have sex or whatever… he doesn’t see her as human, basically. And if discovering she does become an ordinary mother loose around her middle, then he would probably say she was “violated” and “defiled” by a man, rather than just being happy and enjoying life the way she wants to.

See what’s happening here? It’s not healthy. It’s even sexist.

The thing is, Snape as a character himself has a huge flaw (which makes HIM all the more human and relatable): his low self-esteem. 自卑, as we would say in Chinese. He’s… too self-hating to ever be able to love another person in a healthy way. He puts Lily on a pedestal, believing her to be perfect and everything he is not. This started since the first time they met. He was this ragged kid (“white trash” pretty much) and she was a middle-class suburban princess (in his eyes, you know). He wasn’t much of a looker while she was just this pretty, sweet little girl. Who was nice and kind to him (his “savior”). He can never think he’s worthy of her.

Does Snape desire Lily, though? Yes. Even if you think that someone is too good for you, that doesn’t stop your hormones, does it? I think this is something that caused a hell lot of turmoil for the teenaged Snape. If he ever had a sexual thought about her, he immediately hated himself. He insists his love for her is completely “pure”, because this is what makes him different from those horny “jocks” (i.e. James and Sirius). But alas.

So yes… do you see, even if James weren’t in the picture, I can’t imagine that Lily and Snape could have gotten together. They were childhood friends, sure, who were incredibly close. And no, I don’t think Lily was a person who cared for looks at all (let’s face it, while James is better-looking than poor Snape, he’s not the best-looking guy in the crowd… I mean, Harry looks like James and he loses easily to the likes of Cedric Diggory). So it’s definitely not Snape’s looks or his lack of money that is a turn-off for Lily. It’s (for one) perhaps lack of chemistry---which I’m headcanoning here, but it’s likely, especially since Snape doesn’t even see his one-sided love for her as anything on the sexual side---and, for two, Snape’s personality. I personally think it’s a chore being with someone who has issues with who he is. You know? Like, no one in a relationship should have to be a therapist, to “save” or “fix” anyone. That’s incredibly not healthy.

Oh, and yes, let’s not forget that Snape---perhaps in struggling with his inferiority complex---flocks to people with messed-up ideals. There’s this really good fanfic I once read on the friendship of Lily and Snape that talked about this. Snape hangs out with the likes of Mulciber and Avery because he yearns for power. And he looks for power in the wrong place, you could say. I always wonder about the whole Nazi-thing, you know. People back then identify as Nazis for various reasons. Some really are fanatically obsessed with the principles and believe they’re right (this could be due to the brainwashing that took place in their upbringing). Some could be drawn by the promise of power and recognition. Some could just be afraid (“if you can’t beat them, join them”). IDK.

Anyway, for Snape, he’s more likely a person of the second category: drawn by the promise of power and recognition. Besides, I remember in the books they said he was fascinated with Dark Arts anyway, so part of it is interest too. Let’s not forget the kind of childhood Snape got, with an abusive father and a neglectful mother. Not surprising he’s bottling up a lot of dark feelings and anger and whatnot.

All of these things… I’m not judging Snape by what he believes in, it’s just a matter-of-fact that this is the group of people he identified with, back then as a teen. And Lily was not okay with that, for sure. I think even if she wasn’t a Muggle-born she’d be uncomfortable. But she is a Muggle-born, so it’s like saying she was Jewish and her best friend decides to join the Nazis. I mean, come on, we don’t even need to consider whether or not a boyfriend-girlfriend thing was possible---this kind of stuff can break friendships quite easily. Hell, even family (see Sirius and Regulus).

Alright, so that’s why it makes sense to me that Snily was fated to be tragic from the start…

...now Lily and James, I’m not sure I find that entirely realistic (it seems so very cheesy to me, but then again, Harry Potter is written for kids more or less). Actually, I just have no strong feelings about James Potter. What I don’t really like about him: his bullying of Snape, his persistency for Lily (which, to me as an outsider sure looked annoying!). What redeems him: that one time he saved Snape, his friendship with Sirius and Remus (bromance forever!!). Do I know what kind of guy he is other than that? No… Is he a better fit for Lily? Who knows…! But Lily chose him; not stolen away by him or whatever as Snape probably saw it; she just probably one day didn’t dislike James enough to say, “Ok Potter, one date. One date.” And then things went from there.

(And judging from the letter she wrote to Sirius in Book 7, she was pretty gosh-darn happy with James even after having Harry---again, on the cheesy side considering they were in the middle of a war, but oh well.)

Back to Snape, though, who interests me a lot more than Lily and James combined. Snape definitely takes this whole thing as a personal attack. He sees Lily as a traitor or a liar (she’s been telling him for years that she would never go for James, and then she marries him and has his baby); he sees James as taking a victory shit on his head, probably, but I bet he didn’t even care that much about James anymore. It’s Lily, that hurts Snape more.

What’s REALLY interesting to me is what Snape doesn’t do. He doesn’t use a love potion on Lily, ever. He doesn’t even attempt to get into contact with her after Hogwarts. Most importantly, after he became a valued member to Voldemort, and Voldemort even offers to bring him Lily (I think there was a quote like this in the books right?), Snape rejects the offer.

Do you see? Back as children, Snape was so possessive of Lily---hating anyone else close to her, like Petunia, and later the Marauders---but after he loses her, he won’t try to get her back. He’s like the Dark Knight (lol)... he’s willing to protect from the shadows.

Is it pride? I think so. Pride and maybe he still doesn’t think he’s worthy of her… but he’s accepted that. He just wants for Lily to be alive and safe, nothing more.

And then she gets killed.

And then, Snape decides to protect her child… whom he hates by default, not just because Harry looks like James but because the very idea of him is a reminder that Lily had become somebody else’s woman, somebody else’s wife. She was not the young pure angel forever imprinted in Snape’s memories.

Snape gives up the second half of his life, playing a double agent, hated by many many people, and ultimately dies with only like 1 person (Harry) who knows the truth. Well, Harry tells more people later, but any recognition for Snape is postmortem.

*just let me cry for a bit right now…*

Anyway, Snape’s love for Lily wasn’t healthy in the beginning, but what he does for her after she dies---I think this is the purest form of love and devotion, ever. There is nothing sexual or materialistic at all here. It’s so pure in terms of Snape not expecting ANYTHING in return. (Of course, he also feels partly responsible for her death, so maybe there’s some debt-paying mentality involved too… but c’mon, the Patronus part ;_;)

In the end I don’t think he even loves her like he wants her for himself anymore… but has let her go, while keeping her in his heart, remembering she was his first real friend and the one person he cared about (and maybe likes himself better for---I sure hope).

He probably still idealizes her too much, but, well, that tends to happen when someone dies. You only remember the good things about them.

有一种爱叫做放手。。。