"Always."

I know this is super random but never a wrong time for discussion about a fictional character, right?

(This is because I've been trying to write a fanfic on Snape but fell into a bout of verbal constipation)

Sort of a meta (except I'm too lazy to look up exact quotes) on a character with my birthday... hereby commence!

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝我是一个机智的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

I think the main issue with Snape, whom I can’t help empathizing with and feeling sorry for---to the extent that I sometimes forget all his bad stuff!---anyway, the issue with him and Lily is that his feelings for her are not actually healthy.

Even if the Worst Memory Scene never took place, even if he wasn’t a Muggle-hater or whatever, even if James Potter didn’t exist… I still don’t think Snape and Lily could have gotten together.

I forget which manga or which book or whatever it was, but there was a character (male) madly in love with a character (female). Everything was from the male character’s POV. And I remember it was SO frustrating and annoying, because this guy, the whole time, kept thinking of the girl he loved as a “perfect angel”... meaning, he expected her to be young and beautiful and pure FOREVER. In reality, the girl marries and has children, but he is still in denial of all that. It’s like he doesn’t expect this girl to ever take a shit or fart or get fat or have sex or whatever… he doesn’t see her as human, basically. And if discovering she does become an ordinary mother loose around her middle, then he would probably say she was “violated” and “defiled” by a man, rather than just being happy and enjoying life the way she wants to.

See what’s happening here? It’s not healthy. It’s even sexist.

The thing is, Snape as a character himself has a huge flaw (which makes HIM all the more human and relatable): his low self-esteem. 自卑, as we would say in Chinese. He’s… too self-hating to ever be able to love another person in a healthy way. He puts Lily on a pedestal, believing her to be perfect and everything he is not. This started since the first time they met. He was this ragged kid (“white trash” pretty much) and she was a middle-class suburban princess (in his eyes, you know). He wasn’t much of a looker while she was just this pretty, sweet little girl. Who was nice and kind to him (his “savior”). He can never think he’s worthy of her.

Does Snape desire Lily, though? Yes. Even if you think that someone is too good for you, that doesn’t stop your hormones, does it? I think this is something that caused a hell lot of turmoil for the teenaged Snape. If he ever had a sexual thought about her, he immediately hated himself. He insists his love for her is completely “pure”, because this is what makes him different from those horny “jocks” (i.e. James and Sirius). But alas.

So yes… do you see, even if James weren’t in the picture, I can’t imagine that Lily and Snape could have gotten together. They were childhood friends, sure, who were incredibly close. And no, I don’t think Lily was a person who cared for looks at all (let’s face it, while James is better-looking than poor Snape, he’s not the best-looking guy in the crowd… I mean, Harry looks like James and he loses easily to the likes of Cedric Diggory). So it’s definitely not Snape’s looks or his lack of money that is a turn-off for Lily. It’s (for one) perhaps lack of chemistry---which I’m headcanoning here, but it’s likely, especially since Snape doesn’t even see his one-sided love for her as anything on the sexual side---and, for two, Snape’s personality. I personally think it’s a chore being with someone who has issues with who he is. You know? Like, no one in a relationship should have to be a therapist, to “save” or “fix” anyone. That’s incredibly not healthy.

Oh, and yes, let’s not forget that Snape---perhaps in struggling with his inferiority complex---flocks to people with messed-up ideals. There’s this really good fanfic I once read on the friendship of Lily and Snape that talked about this. Snape hangs out with the likes of Mulciber and Avery because he yearns for power. And he looks for power in the wrong place, you could say. I always wonder about the whole Nazi-thing, you know. People back then identify as Nazis for various reasons. Some really are fanatically obsessed with the principles and believe they’re right (this could be due to the brainwashing that took place in their upbringing). Some could be drawn by the promise of power and recognition. Some could just be afraid (“if you can’t beat them, join them”). IDK.

Anyway, for Snape, he’s more likely a person of the second category: drawn by the promise of power and recognition. Besides, I remember in the books they said he was fascinated with Dark Arts anyway, so part of it is interest too. Let’s not forget the kind of childhood Snape got, with an abusive father and a neglectful mother. Not surprising he’s bottling up a lot of dark feelings and anger and whatnot.

All of these things… I’m not judging Snape by what he believes in, it’s just a matter-of-fact that this is the group of people he identified with, back then as a teen. And Lily was not okay with that, for sure. I think even if she wasn’t a Muggle-born she’d be uncomfortable. But she is a Muggle-born, so it’s like saying she was Jewish and her best friend decides to join the Nazis. I mean, come on, we don’t even need to consider whether or not a boyfriend-girlfriend thing was possible---this kind of stuff can break friendships quite easily. Hell, even family (see Sirius and Regulus).

Alright, so that’s why it makes sense to me that Snily was fated to be tragic from the start…

...now Lily and James, I’m not sure I find that entirely realistic (it seems so very cheesy to me, but then again, Harry Potter is written for kids more or less). Actually, I just have no strong feelings about James Potter. What I don’t really like about him: his bullying of Snape, his persistency for Lily (which, to me as an outsider sure looked annoying!). What redeems him: that one time he saved Snape, his friendship with Sirius and Remus (bromance forever!!). Do I know what kind of guy he is other than that? No… Is he a better fit for Lily? Who knows…! But Lily chose him; not stolen away by him or whatever as Snape probably saw it; she just probably one day didn’t dislike James enough to say, “Ok Potter, one date. One date.” And then things went from there.

(And judging from the letter she wrote to Sirius in Book 7, she was pretty gosh-darn happy with James even after having Harry---again, on the cheesy side considering they were in the middle of a war, but oh well.)

Back to Snape, though, who interests me a lot more than Lily and James combined. Snape definitely takes this whole thing as a personal attack. He sees Lily as a traitor or a liar (she’s been telling him for years that she would never go for James, and then she marries him and has his baby); he sees James as taking a victory shit on his head, probably, but I bet he didn’t even care that much about James anymore. It’s Lily, that hurts Snape more.

What’s REALLY interesting to me is what Snape doesn’t do. He doesn’t use a love potion on Lily, ever. He doesn’t even attempt to get into contact with her after Hogwarts. Most importantly, after he became a valued member to Voldemort, and Voldemort even offers to bring him Lily (I think there was a quote like this in the books right?), Snape rejects the offer.

Do you see? Back as children, Snape was so possessive of Lily---hating anyone else close to her, like Petunia, and later the Marauders---but after he loses her, he won’t try to get her back. He’s like the Dark Knight (lol)... he’s willing to protect from the shadows.

Is it pride? I think so. Pride and maybe he still doesn’t think he’s worthy of her… but he’s accepted that. He just wants for Lily to be alive and safe, nothing more.

And then she gets killed.

And then, Snape decides to protect her child… whom he hates by default, not just because Harry looks like James but because the very idea of him is a reminder that Lily had become somebody else’s woman, somebody else’s wife. She was not the young pure angel forever imprinted in Snape’s memories.

Snape gives up the second half of his life, playing a double agent, hated by many many people, and ultimately dies with only like 1 person (Harry) who knows the truth. Well, Harry tells more people later, but any recognition for Snape is postmortem.

*just let me cry for a bit right now…*

Anyway, Snape’s love for Lily wasn’t healthy in the beginning, but what he does for her after she dies---I think this is the purest form of love and devotion, ever. There is nothing sexual or materialistic at all here. It’s so pure in terms of Snape not expecting ANYTHING in return. (Of course, he also feels partly responsible for her death, so maybe there’s some debt-paying mentality involved too… but c’mon, the Patronus part ;_;)

In the end I don’t think he even loves her like he wants her for himself anymore… but has let her go, while keeping her in his heart, remembering she was his first real friend and the one person he cared about (and maybe likes himself better for---I sure hope).

He probably still idealizes her too much, but, well, that tends to happen when someone dies. You only remember the good things about them.

有一种爱叫做放手。。。